It's all fuct now...

I haven't been feeling very good lately and it's all my fault. It all started in Dec. 2003 or maybe it was 2004 (head injuries make your forgetful) when I fell down the stairs and it has finally escalated to the point of me having to go to the Dr. Seems I've got 3 herniated discs (1 is ruptured...what's the difference?) in my neck and a pinched nerve effecting my right arm. I've no strength at all in my right arm and it's painful...like an aching pain rather than a throbbing pain (don't tell anyone...they might try to kick my ass since I'm now handicapped) and have been having a helluva time driving since I've got a standard transmission truck. Yesterday on Valentine's Day, I decided it was the day for me to make an appointment to have a injection of steroids in my neck. Since I've got no Valentine due to that lying, deceitful and cheating bastard species called men, it made no difference to me what day I had it done. I knew it had to be immediately before I made a series of bad choices again...like using my credit card to buy a gun. Pain has a way of making me make bad choices...be it physical pain or pain in my stone cold blackened heart. Well let me tell you, I was asleep and woke up from having the injection before I knew it. I didn't have a clue that I had been unconscious. I always liked the part of anesthesia where they told you to count backwards from 10 and all I ever got to was 8 or 9 but that didn't happen. Seems I was asleep and then awakened before I realized it. The nurse brought me warm blankets and I was completely confused about what they were for. Was I cold and didn't know it? What had just happened to me for the need of warm blankets? I must say that I went out on Friday night and suffered severely for it on Saturday but Sunday and Monday, I had felt better than I had in several weeks. Now it's Thursday and I'm feeling like hell again. My arm and shoulder are killing me from the pinched nerve and to top it off, I think my sister is an idiot. She doesn't seem to understand that after a sleepless night and a painful day why I'm mean and crabby to people. I can't help it and wind up apologizing for it time and time again. She knows me a lot better than most and why she would think I could possibly be nice to anyone is beyond me. Have I ever been a nice person? I don't think so and don't know why she would think so either. I'm not a "sugar & spice and everything nice" kinda girl. Why would things change now? I've been known as a crazy bitch most of my life so why would she think I could become nice all of the sudden? I'm in a lot of pain and I either have to become a pillhead or deal with it. My friends have died from pills so that's the main reason for my decision not to take as many as I'm supposed to and deal with the pain as best as I can but I cannot do that and be a "nice" person. I think she forgets that I've lost many close friends to drugs and fails to see that everytime that I take a pill, I think about the friends I've lost. Sister K was upset at the fact that I called her friend names. I told her that her friend, Rachel Allstate, didn't know her ass from a hole in the ground because she's on the rodeo committee and when you ask her anything about it, she doesn't know a thing. WTF? Then Sister K says "I guess you're back to normal..." Back to normal from what? From being a bitch to "being" a bitch? I don't understand what she means and I've tried to explain to her that I'm in pain and am easily irritated but she's a moron I guess. I've ate 2 oxycodone pills AT WORK today since I'm in so much pain but I'm also tired from lack of sleep. Lack of sleep is something she cannot possibly understand because it's a fact that she could sleep 12 hours out of the day if given the opportunity. I guess that is all for now...maybe this post should've been made on the rambling and babbling page...duh.